Doing Good Just Comes Naturally To Me: I Read Star Magazine So You Don't Have To, Edition 1
I've been gone for a while and, for that, I don't apologize.
I retreated to a solitude-i-nous cave, wherein I contemplated the myriad ways I could better the lives of humankind.
Since I can't build houses for the poor (They wouldn't want to live in them; Those diorama things you made in grade school? The trinket-laden shoeboxes I made frequently collapsed.); heal sick birds with a touch of my magical fingers (FACT: My childhood parakeet committed suicide by flying repeatedly into a window.); cure cancer, the common cold or athlete's foot (All best left to professionals) or teach the world to sing (Have I mentioned being one of only two girls in my sixth-grade class to not make the chorus?), I've decided to do something I know I can manage.
This year, I will read Star Magazine for you.
"What?" You ask. "I can read just fine, thank you very much. I'm reading right now, so how the hell does she think this will help me? I'd much rather she help cure this itchy foot thing. Just send me some Gold Bond in the mail."
But see, the public service potential of my new project is, well, let's say HUGE.
Star Magazine -- with its promise of Breaking Celebrity News First! -- can potentially suck away gigantic portions of your life (especially if you do the fairly easy but jumbo-sized crossword at the magazine's tail end.) With my pledge to you, think of the many better ways you'll be able to spend your time as I toil over Star Magazine and provide you highlights and commentary on what the publication deems passable reporting.
So finish that work project. Spend more time with your family. Meditate. Read one of the classics. Finish your cross-stitched Home Sweet Home welcome mat. And leave the rest to me.
Just to ensure you don't miss anything, we'll start with this year's first edition of Star, dated Jan. 3, 2005, even though by Jan. 3, the magazine had been out for nearly two weeks.
On the cover, Star sucks you in with promise of an exclusive six-page photo album of the second honeymoon of Nick (Lachey) and Jessica (Simpson). Gone are the days when tabloid paparazzi had to skulk behind coconut trees waiting for the celebrity wife to go topless. In this case, Nick and Jessica -- likely desperate for some post-Newlyweds' attention -- just brought the magazine on honeymoon with them. Also featured on the cover is Star's first use of its teaser device, Hot News, tantalizing the slack-jawed convenience store shopper with what's in store: a fake lip expose, the real-life homes of Desperate Housewives, wedding news from Ben and Jen 2.0 and oh, so much more.
INSIDE:
Pages 4 and 5: In Star Shots, the magazine goes behind the scenes of Kimora Lee Simmons' spring ad campaign for Baby Phat apparel, of which she's CEO. Kimora, wife of Russell Simmons, not only had her daughters on the set, but also requested a baby elephant, a python, a llama, a parrot and a 14-month-old chimpanzee. The campaign's inspired by Kimora's travels to exotic places:
Funny, somehow I don't see Pocahontas leading John Smith around with a monkey mascot on her shoulder.
Pages 6 and 7: Girls, ya better start baby-making. All the cool celebrities have one: Kate Hudson, Gwenyth Paltrow, Christy Turlington, Courtney Cox, Debra Messing, Sarah Jessica Parker and, oh, soon-to-not-be-single-anymore dad Jude Law. But more important than the bundle of joy itself is the uber-stylish Bugaboo stroller you can purchase for $900.
Pages 10 and 11. Speculation on Ben (Affleck) and his new Jennifer (Garner). Set to wed? Or just set to fill two pages of Star for the next several months?
Pages 12 and 13: Anna (Kourni-whatchamacalit) and Enrique (Iglesias) are the Mystery of the Week! Are they married? Um, new mystery: He was famous for, like, five seconds when that Hero song came out and she pretty much sucks at tennis, so why bother?
Pages 14-16: Couples News -- Just a bunch of B-listers getting together or dumping one another. Really only useful for Star to get the words canoodling and Splitsville in the magazine, possibly to fulfill quota for double-consonant words.
Page 21: EXCLUSIVE! As if having Gilmore Girls interrupted by Sarah Jessica Parker twirling in Gap's holiday gear wasn't enough, Star devotes a whole page of unpaid editorial to Gap's new accessories store, Love. What I'd really love are more photos of Mariah Carey.
Pages 22 and 23: Omigod! It's Mariah Carey! In a two-page spread on her Disney Christmas special. The toy soldiers look frightened.
Pages 24 and 25: Paris (Hilton) and Nicole (Richie) are interviewed about going to work for The Simple Life 3. In their interview, Paris does all the talking while Nicole practices her bird calls.
Pages 40 and 41: Paris (Hilton again) and Lindsay (Lohan) engage in fisticuffs (okay, a screaming match) over a booth at Brent Bolthouse's birthday party. Paris won, getting the booth. The question remains: Bolthouse?
Pages 42 through 83: The Jessica-and-Nick honeymoon (I give them another year, tops.), Brad (Pitt)-Jennifer (Aniston) woes and pictures of sparkly makeup and dresses the stars love and you can't afford anyway.
Page 84 and 85: Jen (Schefft), of Bachelor and soon Bachelorette fame (?), signs autographs for preteen boys in New York. Oh, year, those will sell for enough to put you through college.
Page 86: Star TV Pick of the Week: The Daily Show: The Five Most Important Half-Hours of TV Ever. Well, I could have told you that.
Page 94: Answer to Star Crossword clue for 70-across --RADIUM.
I retreated to a solitude-i-nous cave, wherein I contemplated the myriad ways I could better the lives of humankind.
Since I can't build houses for the poor (They wouldn't want to live in them; Those diorama things you made in grade school? The trinket-laden shoeboxes I made frequently collapsed.); heal sick birds with a touch of my magical fingers (FACT: My childhood parakeet committed suicide by flying repeatedly into a window.); cure cancer, the common cold or athlete's foot (All best left to professionals) or teach the world to sing (Have I mentioned being one of only two girls in my sixth-grade class to not make the chorus?), I've decided to do something I know I can manage.
This year, I will read Star Magazine for you.
"What?" You ask. "I can read just fine, thank you very much. I'm reading right now, so how the hell does she think this will help me? I'd much rather she help cure this itchy foot thing. Just send me some Gold Bond in the mail."
But see, the public service potential of my new project is, well, let's say HUGE.
Star Magazine -- with its promise of Breaking Celebrity News First! -- can potentially suck away gigantic portions of your life (especially if you do the fairly easy but jumbo-sized crossword at the magazine's tail end.) With my pledge to you, think of the many better ways you'll be able to spend your time as I toil over Star Magazine and provide you highlights and commentary on what the publication deems passable reporting.
So finish that work project. Spend more time with your family. Meditate. Read one of the classics. Finish your cross-stitched Home Sweet Home welcome mat. And leave the rest to me.
Just to ensure you don't miss anything, we'll start with this year's first edition of Star, dated Jan. 3, 2005, even though by Jan. 3, the magazine had been out for nearly two weeks.
On the cover, Star sucks you in with promise of an exclusive six-page photo album of the second honeymoon of Nick (Lachey) and Jessica (Simpson). Gone are the days when tabloid paparazzi had to skulk behind coconut trees waiting for the celebrity wife to go topless. In this case, Nick and Jessica -- likely desperate for some post-Newlyweds' attention -- just brought the magazine on honeymoon with them. Also featured on the cover is Star's first use of its teaser device, Hot News, tantalizing the slack-jawed convenience store shopper with what's in store: a fake lip expose, the real-life homes of Desperate Housewives, wedding news from Ben and Jen 2.0 and oh, so much more.
INSIDE:
Pages 4 and 5: In Star Shots, the magazine goes behind the scenes of Kimora Lee Simmons' spring ad campaign for Baby Phat apparel, of which she's CEO. Kimora, wife of Russell Simmons, not only had her daughters on the set, but also requested a baby elephant, a python, a llama, a parrot and a 14-month-old chimpanzee. The campaign's inspired by Kimora's travels to exotic places:
The print, the fabrics, the silk, the colors -- even my hair -- it's all very Pocahontas.
Funny, somehow I don't see Pocahontas leading John Smith around with a monkey mascot on her shoulder.
Pages 6 and 7: Girls, ya better start baby-making. All the cool celebrities have one: Kate Hudson, Gwenyth Paltrow, Christy Turlington, Courtney Cox, Debra Messing, Sarah Jessica Parker and, oh, soon-to-not-be-single-anymore dad Jude Law. But more important than the bundle of joy itself is the uber-stylish Bugaboo stroller you can purchase for $900.
Pages 10 and 11. Speculation on Ben (Affleck) and his new Jennifer (Garner). Set to wed? Or just set to fill two pages of Star for the next several months?
Pages 12 and 13: Anna (Kourni-whatchamacalit) and Enrique (Iglesias) are the Mystery of the Week! Are they married? Um, new mystery: He was famous for, like, five seconds when that Hero song came out and she pretty much sucks at tennis, so why bother?
Pages 14-16: Couples News -- Just a bunch of B-listers getting together or dumping one another. Really only useful for Star to get the words canoodling and Splitsville in the magazine, possibly to fulfill quota for double-consonant words.
Page 21: EXCLUSIVE! As if having Gilmore Girls interrupted by Sarah Jessica Parker twirling in Gap's holiday gear wasn't enough, Star devotes a whole page of unpaid editorial to Gap's new accessories store, Love. What I'd really love are more photos of Mariah Carey.
Pages 22 and 23: Omigod! It's Mariah Carey! In a two-page spread on her Disney Christmas special. The toy soldiers look frightened.
Pages 24 and 25: Paris (Hilton) and Nicole (Richie) are interviewed about going to work for The Simple Life 3. In their interview, Paris does all the talking while Nicole practices her bird calls.
Pages 40 and 41: Paris (Hilton again) and Lindsay (Lohan) engage in fisticuffs (okay, a screaming match) over a booth at Brent Bolthouse's birthday party. Paris won, getting the booth. The question remains: Bolthouse?
Pages 42 through 83: The Jessica-and-Nick honeymoon (I give them another year, tops.), Brad (Pitt)-Jennifer (Aniston) woes and pictures of sparkly makeup and dresses the stars love and you can't afford anyway.
Page 84 and 85: Jen (Schefft), of Bachelor and soon Bachelorette fame (?), signs autographs for preteen boys in New York. Oh, year, those will sell for enough to put you through college.
Page 86: Star TV Pick of the Week: The Daily Show: The Five Most Important Half-Hours of TV Ever. Well, I could have told you that.
Page 94: Answer to Star Crossword clue for 70-across --RADIUM.
posted by imp @ 7:52 PM
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